Lately, Hollywood has started remaking movies left and right, except nobody is asking for it. They remade “Karate Kid”, a classic movie that no one wanted to see fucked up, so naturally they fucked it up. Eventually, they will remake “Passion of the Christ”, and Jesus will be played by Tyler Perry, and it will make millions, and no one will know why.
An ace in the hole that Hollywood is ignoring is the possibility to remake kid’s movies into dark, rated R films. I spent a good four minutes thinking about this, and came up with some of my favorite kid’s movies that should be remade into gritty, controversial dramas.
Home Alone
This movie made every kid in America go into retard mode when their parents left and they had the house to themselves. They’d set up booby traps, which at that age, consisted of thumb tacks on the floor or waiting around the corner with a vacuum pipe. In the remake, Kevin should befriend another neighborhood kid (played by Justin Bieber), and the burglars should kill his friend in the opening scene. Then, Kevin battles with the emotions left over from seeing his friend die, and in an unbelievable finale, wields a shotgun and kills everyone, including the dude with the snow shovel.
Rookie of the Year
More steroids. Also, they should have a fourth friend (played by Justin Bieber), who on the way to the Cubs game where Henry discovers his magic arm, falls off and dies on the tracks.
Free Willy
I mean, this VHS started with a music video of Michael Jackson, that pretty much says it all. I think the remake should have the whale dying. But before he (she?) does, telling Jesse to avenge him (her?). This is when it gets good, Jesse takes Willy’s body to the ocean to be with the other whales but naturally, being dead and all, it washes back ashore and constantly reminds Jesse that he’s a no good punk who rarely ever took advice, and then’s he guilt strick and sobbing with his head on the floor. Jesse goes crazy and kills the entire aquarium staff, including the new part time ticket taker (played by Justin Bieber), and then lives on a raft in the ocean, when the credits roll it will talk about how years later Jesse would grow a sweet beard.
Beauty and the Beast
Do I even need to go into how badass a movie this would be if it was R? It was fucking amazing when it was G. Imagine King Kong, except a quality movie. I saw Beauty and the Beast on ice with my mom as a kid, and it took me almost nine years to realize that that was not cool. I’m not even embarrassed that this thought has come to me before, so much so that I’ve already determined the best cast possible for this movie.
Beast – Clive Owen
Belle – Scarlett Johansson
Maurice – Michael Caine
Gaston – Christian Bale
Lumiere/Cogsworth – Same people, because those voices were badass.
In this version, there has to be some really controversial beast on beauty banging. Also, Gaston has a new sidekick (played by Justin Bieber), who gets killed early on by the beast.
