Three Hot Mouths

Scented Candles

3hotmouths — Wed, 27 Oct 2010 00:20:30 +0000

They should make scented candles that smell like shit so that you can give them to people you don’t like and on the front it says, “garden eruption” when really they will either light it and it will smell like shit or they will take a big whiff of it and it will smell like shit. OR, the top layer of scent is actually garden eruption, and then after that it smells like shit so after like 15 minutes their whole house smells like shit and you are like haha fucker I got you, your house smells like shit. This would be perfect for office parties secret santas, or your neighbor who lets their dog shit in your yard.

Top Five Hobbies for Really Lonely People

3hotmouths — Wed, 13 Oct 2010 01:15:15 +0000

1. Buy a bunch of those real dolls and have a tea party with them. After the tea party, (which is delightful by the way and the conversations are endless and full of great detail and depth) you have sex with all of them and then spend another 5 hours deep cleaning them.

2. Get a shit ton of cats, and pet them for hours.

3. Buy an ice cream truck, and drive around with the song on so kids run up to you and then you trick them into your truck and talk to them about all of the stupid boring shit you’ve been doing. After three to four hours let them go and actually give them ice cream for their troubles.

4. Start crafting and small army of hand made dolls and action figures. Get like 10,000 of them and then in the middle of the night place them all in front of someones yard that you don’t like. Make sure they all have glowing red eyes and a motion sensor that says something creepy when they walk by. Leave a note on the door that says each of these toys are attached to bombs. If you move any of them you will die. Then sit and watch. This will fill a lot of time both in making the dolls and planting and watching them.

5. Buy a prostitute.

Cooking with Sperm

3hotmouths — Mon, 27 Sep 2010 23:40:59 +0000

I heard there is a new cookbook out about cooking with sperm. I think this is a great idea and there should be more books out about other ways to use your sperm. I know I go through at least 4 cups of sperm a week and most of my recipes only need about 2 cups total. So I always have like 2 cups or so of sperm just hanging around my apartment.

Some ideas that would be cool for sperm, are maybe like ways to turn it into paper, or ways to make it turn into a self cleaning agent. So like you sperm on the sink and it cleans your dishes for you. Also, maybe some arts and crafts ideas for it. I don’t know, people are clever so they’ll think of something.

How to create a great advertising campaign

3hotmouths — Sun, 19 Sep 2010 00:56:34 +0000

To create a great advertising campaign all you need is a few things:

First you need a great spokesman, currently the 7up red spot guy is available. If you need to see some of his work click here. Also I believe the noid is still out of work, here is some of his finest work.

Then you need a catchy catch phrase like, mcdonalds “I’m lovin it”, or Kay Jewelers’ “Every kiss begins with kay.” Or my personal favorite the fleshlights’ phrase, “It’s like fucking a real vagina that you have to watch out in the sink.”

Finally you need a great commercial. Make sure it includes great music, some sexual innuendo, football players tackling each other or explosions, a funny cartoon character, someone who shits their pants, (for the older viewers) and a romantic affair so it appeals to everyone.

Oh, I almost forgot you also need a great product. Invent something cool that everyone needs, like a machine that cleans out your ass, a machine that makes tacos for you so you can sit on the couch, automatic refrigerator that replaces food for you automatically, or of course the sleeping haircut machine that cuts your hair while you sleep, (unfortunately it can only cut a perfect Justin Bieber haircut.)

Then just put it on tv in any time over and over and over again and it will annoy the piss out of everyone until they have to buy your product. Boom, you have a million dollars congrats.

Also, maybe you could hire billy mays, I think he must be out of work, b/c I haven’t seen him in awhile.

Sucking dick for coke

3hotmouths — Sat, 18 Sep 2010 15:28:39 +0000

Whats with all the talk about sucking dick for coke.

One, why are there a bunch of gay guys walking around with coke. I would think their are some straight guys with coke and if the other guy doesn’t have money to buy it, they make them do acts of service for it like painting the house or cleaning their bathroom.

Two, why are so many guys thinking to themselves, man I need some coke but don’t have any money…so I think I’ll offer to suck his dick, or rub the penis for some coke. I think those guys should think of a better idea, or go rob somebody and take their money then go buy some coke.

Three, if it was me and I wanted coke that badly, and I would befriend someone that always had coke and just get some from them every once and awhile. A good friend will always help you out, especially when you are thirsty for coke.

Lastly, if you really need coke that bad, and you don’t mind breaking the law, just go to Wal-Mart and pick up a 24 pack and run out of the store. I really don’t understand the problem with that if you don’t like sucking dicks. But some people might just like sucking dicks and getting coke in return. I guess good for them, but I like to get mine from the Wal-Mart cooler, that way I know its cold and there are no dicks around that need sucking.

Kid’s Movies That Need Remaking

3hotmouths — Sat, 18 Sep 2010 15:01:12 +0000

Lately, Hollywood has started remaking movies left and right, except nobody is asking for it. They remade “Karate Kid”, a classic movie that no one wanted to see fucked up, so naturally they fucked it up. Eventually, they will remake “Passion of the Christ”, and Jesus will be played by Tyler Perry, and it will make millions, and no one will know why.

An ace in the hole that Hollywood is ignoring is the possibility to remake kid’s movies into dark, rated R films. I spent a good four minutes thinking about this, and came up with some of my favorite kid’s movies that should be remade into gritty, controversial dramas.

Home Alone

This movie made every kid in America go into retard mode when their parents left and they had the house to themselves. They’d set up booby traps, which at that age, consisted of thumb tacks on the floor or waiting around the corner with a vacuum pipe. In the remake, Kevin should befriend another neighborhood kid (played by Justin Bieber), and the burglars should kill his friend in the opening scene. Then, Kevin battles with the emotions left over from seeing his friend die, and in an unbelievable finale, wields a shotgun and kills everyone, including the dude with the snow shovel.

Rookie of the Year

More steroids. Also, they should have a fourth friend (played by Justin Bieber), who on the way to the Cubs game where Henry discovers his magic arm, falls off and dies on the tracks.

Free Willy

I mean, this VHS started with a music video of Michael Jackson, that pretty much says it all. I think the remake should have the whale dying. But before he (she?) does, telling Jesse to avenge him (her?). This is when it gets good, Jesse takes Willy’s body to the ocean to be with the other whales but naturally, being dead and all, it washes back ashore and constantly reminds Jesse that he’s a no good punk who rarely ever took advice, and then’s he guilt strick and sobbing with his head on the floor. Jesse goes crazy and kills the entire aquarium staff, including the new part time ticket taker (played by Justin Bieber), and then lives on a raft in the ocean, when the credits roll it will talk about how years later Jesse would grow a sweet beard.

Beauty and the Beast

Do I even need to go into how badass a movie this would be if it was R? It was fucking amazing when it was G. Imagine King Kong, except a quality movie. I saw Beauty and the Beast on ice with my mom as a kid, and it took me almost nine years to realize that that was not cool. I’m not even embarrassed that this thought has come to me before, so much so that I’ve already determined the best cast possible for this movie.

Beast – Clive Owen

Belle – Scarlett Johansson

Maurice – Michael Caine

Gaston – Christian Bale

Lumiere/Cogsworth – Same people, because those voices were badass.

In this version, there has to be some really controversial beast on beauty banging. Also, Gaston has a new sidekick (played by Justin Bieber), who gets killed early on by the beast.

Masturbation Terms

3hotmouths — Fri, 17 Sep 2010 01:22:01 +0000

Who thought of the term jacking off? I mean really. Nobody calls the penis a jack. I guess maybe they saw someone using a jackhammer and thought “Oh, that reminds me of when I am masturbating.” Possibly Jack’s mother walked in on him playing with himself one day when he was supposed to be working on his income tax returns and from that time on whenever he was off task his mother was like “Stop Jacking off Jack!”

Spanking the Monkey- No one calls their penis the monkey. You really aren’t spanking it you are rubbing it. Rubbing the monkey would make sense. Rubbing the penis makes even more sense. Lets all make a conscious effort to say rubbing the penis whenever we are talking about masturbating.

Choking the chicken- that makes more sense. Whenever an old farmer was choking the chicken not only does it look like a person masturbating, but back in those days they were rubbing the penis whenever they were choking their chickens. Seacrest out.

Some Thoughts.

3hotmouths — Thu, 16 Sep 2010 06:00:22 +0000

Before I dive into today’s post, let me first explain our hiatus from writing. You see, occasionally bloggers find themselves with a more pressing commitment to finish a novel they’ve signed on for with a publishing company. These people can be nightmares, giving you ridiculous deadlines, embarrassingly cheap stipends for research and almost no sense of professionalism. With that said, we have completed our endeavor and you can pick it up at just about any bookstore ever, just look under the section “Bible.” Quite the twist at the end, tough one to put down.

-You know how they always have articles about who would win in a fight? They always choose superheroes like Batman or Superman, or maybe tough guy action stars like Rambo or McClane from Die Hard. That’s retarded, I would much rather watch mediocre sized men with minimal to no combat training go at it, give me Jon Cryer vs. David Hyde Pierce, that would be awesome. Or dogs, that would be cool to watch dogs fight.

- Why doesn’t anyone appreciate heavy metal? Do you have any idea how hard it is to be mad on a night in/night out basis. Especially when you start making millions. I tried to be mad once for as long as I possibly could, I made it thirteen minutes and then I saw a picture that made me smile and I couldn’t even fake it anymore. Go ahead, try it, get pissed then click on this.

- Did you know that 73% of middle school girls can recite the full lyrics to at least one Justin Bieber song, while only 58% can recite the National Anthem. That is ridiculous, Love Me only has like thirty different words, how do you not know the whole song?

- Why are polar bears the iconic image of “global warming”? Have you ever actually seen a polar bear that wasn’t in the zoo? No, you haven’t, because they live at the North Pole. You know why Santa Claus is at the North Pole, because people knew no one would take the fucking time to go check if he was really there. On the contrary, I see a deer like everyday. You’re telling me this doesn’t make you want to pull that plastic out the trash and recycle it?

Anyway, we’re back. Please plan accordingly.

Deaths of 2009

3hotmouths — Thu, 31 Dec 2009 04:30:59 +0000

In this I will give the most shocking death to me in each month. RIP all of these former living beings.

1. India “Willie” Bush (c. 1990 – January 4, 2009) This death of course shocked us all in the very beginning of the year, the beloved pet of the Bush family for almost two decades. If you want to see a picture of this cat here is the link http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/India_(cat) . It was sad to see this cat go, but it did live to be almost 140 in cat years which is decent. India will be missed, mostly by Laura Bush because as a housewife all she does is talk to this cat all day.

2. Socks (c. March 1989 – February 20, 2009) This death again shocked us all to think that both former president cats died at the same age on back to back months. Socks was a real nice cat, loved catnip, milk, you know regular cat things. This death deeply hurt Bill Clinton because this cat was the only excuse to keep Hillary away from him because she is allergic to cute things because she is a evil bitch. Link to a picture of socks giving his famous address to cats of america to stop being nice to dogs. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Socks_(cat)

3. Endal (13 December 1995 – 13 March 2009) O Endal was a loyal pup who gained many awards in england and was a great service dog. Through the grapevine I heard that he also licked peanut butter off of Prince Charles……Foot when he accidentally dropped some while making a sandwich. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Endal

4. Heinz Schröder (April 24, 1928 – April 22, 2009) Due to my German background, I loved watching Heinz control puppets and his puppeteering was genious to watch. He controlled some great puppets such as:

Bummi the bear
Onkel Uhu (Uncle Eagle Owl)
Buddelflink the mole

Great characters he will be missed. http://www.imdb.com/name/nm1777147/

5. Hideyuki Fujisawa June 19, 1925 – May 8, 2009. A great japanese “go” player. It is said that he would drink for 9 months straight and then sober up to participate in go again. He would go in go for so long and so good and he was the best at go. He once had the title for six straight years and then lost to Cho Chikun. An epic battle. Read more here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hideyuki_Fujisawa

6. William Darrell “Billy” Mays, Jr. (July 20, 1958 – June 28, 2009) Of course everyones favorite pitchman was on the coke. How else could he do all those commercials all the time? I just hope that he sees his dad willie mays in heaven.

7. Gidget “Taco Bell chihuahua” Chipperton (c. 1994 – July 21, 2009) again another death that rocked my world. He was famous for his catch phrase “Yo Quiero Taco Bell”, which of course meant, come to taco bell and shit liquid for 3 days. He will be missed. He also starred in air bud.

8. yep we’re in august and I’m still going, Chanel (May 6, 1988 – August 28, 2009)The worlds oldest dog. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chanel_(dog) My dog millie would have lived this long if I walked her at all, so she wasn’t 40 pounds over weight and had a smelly vagina. All sad but true facts.

9. Dick Hoover (15 December 1929 – 17 September 2009) Dick really made the PBA what it was and without him we would not have a PBA. thank you Dick, you taught me how to 7-10 split and I’ll never forget it.

10. Pat Keysell (7 June 1926 – 31 October 2009) How scary is it that he died on Halloween night? check it out. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pat_Keysell I mean how scary is that. haha just kidding you thought you would read something scary and you didn’t, it is sad tho.

11. Asim Mohamood Butt (24 October 1967 – 30 November 2009) He won’t be the BUTT of any death jokes. Jeez he’s not moving very fast, kinda like Asim Mohamood Butt! Too soon? Seriously though when anyone named Butt dies its a sad day. He could play cricket with the best butts around.

12. Chris Hicks (15 May 1987-31 December 2009) At the time this is written, Chris is still alive, but he tends to overdue it when he is drinking, so this will be the time that he goes too far and actually dies, that or he is really hungover. Well I hope you are as sad about these as I am, and heres to next year hoping no one dies that is famous, especially someone like MJ who will take up the news for like 3 months.

Ace’s thoughts on some sports related items

3hotmouths — Wed, 23 Dec 2009 19:18:33 +0000

First off I wanted to talk about the ramifications of the big ten going to twelve teams. What the hell are they going to name it? It cannot be the big ten anymore and it can’t be the big twelve. That the first stupid thing about it. I understand the whole thing about how there is no championship, but the Pac 10 doesn’t have one either, and USC still plays for the national championship. So why doesn’t the big ten just start later like all of the other conferences do. Another thing is how are they going to split up the conferences, if they go north and south, or east and west, one conference is still going to be stacked, or Michigan and Ohio State won’t be in the same conference. Which also could mean they don’t play each other every year, or when they do play each other, they could have to play another game after that which is stupid. All around I understand why they want to go to 12 teams but I don’t like it.

Some other thoughts about sports are the NFL, this AFC race is really shaping up, and I think that if the dolphins win out they will get in. I think that they can do it and I think they will be the 6th team to get into the playoffs. I think the broncos will drop out and the ravens will have the other spot. Dolphins will knock the Steelers and Texans out of the race, and Broncos will lose to the Pats. The Titans will find a way to mess it up, and it will probably be with Young either going down, or messing up in a big game which he is due for.

In the NBA, the Pistons were playing better and they have lost a couple now, but with the talent that coach is dealing with he is doing a great job. Yeah I don’t know his name, because I’m too busy fist pumping (Jersey Shore).

NHL is hard to follow with football going on, but I’ll watch it in January/February. I do know that Detroit and Dallas are around 7-9th in the division and Dallas has 11 OTL and Detroit has a lot of injuries. So they’ll both turn it around.

WNBA…. just kidding. who cares. I don’t even think the players themselves give a shit.

Well thats all for now, except feel free to comment on all my spelling errors and grammatical mistakes.